confessions of a first time mom

so i've struggled with this post for some time now. i just sit behind this keyboard and barf up all the emotions but then i stop myself just seconds before hitting "publish" because i think, "nobody cares about your problems. stop whining."  i also sometimes feel like blogs are purely meant to post the pretty things in life. oh internet, why must you taunt me with your perfect pinterest boards and gorgeous mom bloggers that seem to have every single thing under control?!

then i realized, this is my blog and i can cry if i want to. 

so i'm just going to come out and say it. i feel like i'm falling apart: my hair looks like a rats nest, dark circles under the eyes never go away, i probably stink more days than i don't, my wrist pain has been going on for almost 4 months and i'm darn near ready to just ask my doctor to cut it off (having no wrist can't be nearly as painful as what i've been feeling for months now), i'm pretty sure i have a clogged duct, the greatest sigh of relief comes the second baby girl closes her eyes for a nap and i'm about 2 minutes and a pint of hagen dazs shy of just crying my eyes out.

i so want to feel like i've got everything under control but the truth is that nothing, and i mean nothing, feels the same as before baby came along. i often wonder whether or not i'm ever going to feel like my old self again.

then there's the guilt, i feel guilty for feeling sad. i don't have anything to be sad about! i have a healthy baby that i get to stay home with and kiss at all seconds of the day. why on earth am i complaining? and then i get sad again.

i honestly don't even know if my husband knows how sad i am because every time i start to tell him, i feel a rush of emotions coming on and i stop myself because i don't want to subject him to another crying episode. so i put on a happy face and skip along.

i try to do things that used to make me happy like go out to dinner. but going out to dinner is so darn hard these days because it takes us nearly an hour to time the feedings so that we can get the baby out at the perfect window when she's not entirely fussy or tired or hungry. my husband tries to encourage me to get out of the house and do something alone while he stays home with the baby but i miss doing things with him. being alone just makes me sad.

then i try to tell myself that millions and millions even billions of women have done this before me. surely, i'm overreacting. the only thing that really makes me feel better is the fact that i'm not alone. and then it hit me, i have to write this blog. i have to put the words on the screen and make it public so that other women who come across this know. you are not alone. you are probably juggling going to work every day and having to stress about pumping at work and getting baby out of the house at the crack of dawn, and having to strategically balance your working hours with doctor's visits. Or maybe you're a single mom and don't have the help of a husband to share the load. Or maybe you're a stay-at-home mom and your full-time job NEVER ENDS. Or maybe you're marissa mayer and are in charge of a multi-billion dollar company but can afford to have your baby in a nursery next to your office, whatever your situation, please know that i'm with you. i may not have the same struggles as you have but i feel you and i hear you and i'm sending you the warmest hug possible because millions and millions even billions of women have done this before us and one day, we will find the beauty in this time too.

will you look at that, turns out this post was about the pretty things in life after all.

and here's a picture of me and my little because this is a blog and you're supposed to post pictures.